Panic Attacks

All the damn time.

Can't sleep.

I wake up with my heart racing and realize only ten minutes passed.

I feel like an asshole.

* At work in front of my boss * In front of the phone repair guy * In front of my boyfriend (who does not handle me well like this) * On the subway * In the elevator of my building * Alone in the shower *

This is really embarrassing.

The panic attacks were around constantly when I first developed epilepsy. I remember very well sobbing in my room all night, afraid I was going to die and then on no sleep going to the office where I would hyperventilate and hide in the stairwell. I felt crazy. In recent years they have been far less frequent. They are usually triggered by something.  Ever since my last seizure they have been constant again but I have no idea why. Everyone wants to give me advice and tell me to get therapy and drugs. Thanks. I'm aware. I've been through this before. I will get through it again. I've talked to my doctor. I've discussed options on medication. I've seen a few therapists in the past. (I think the therapists bring on more anxiety than they cure.) It's my issue to deal with alone and when it comes down to it, my doctor agrees with me that given time I will adjust again. If I can find ways to cope for myself it will pass faster.

So, I say what is scaring me out loud. I work on coming to terms with it. I breathe and wait it out.
I'm still alive.

Notes from the Universe

My beautiful and always inspiring friend Darlene posted something interesting on the book of face the other day.  It was a note from the Universe. Basically over a decade ago someone came up with an excellent idea of sending out notes from the universe via e-mail and they are doing an awesome job at it. She said hers brought her to tears. I figured, I'm having a crazy-ass week so why not give this a go? If there is a time to receive messages, maybe now is a good time to open up to them.

So I signed up.

Today I received my first message.

Learning to disassociate your dream's manifestation from the illusions that now surround you, to release yourself from the burden of figuring out the "hows," and to trust what can't be seen, are the high watermarks of creative enlightenment. And, Carly, I must say, you're disassociating, releasing, and trusting like never before. Wow -     The Universe I'm aware of how impressively vague this message is, but who cares? I think it beautifully applies to all that I spoke of in my last post. Literally. This is what I have learned about the universe thus far in life, ask a question and it will find a way to respond to you. Dear Universe, Lately I have found you to be terrifying and awesome. You really know how to bring out the emotions in me. Emotions and utter confusion. I thank you for all that you are teaching me as it is the purpose of life after all.  Of course I'm writing with a request as I'm sure you are aware with your all-knowing abilities. Plus, humans are really needy. Alright I'll get to the point. Would you help me find another way into singing or performance in any capacity? I seriously started crying while watching The Voice last night and I don't even follow that show. I have zero investment in the contestants. I just felt jealous that I wasn't singing. I'm feeling stuck in place and don't know where to move. Will you please give me a hint? Much Love,      Knight

A brain that doesn't quite work.

Something is wrong and I can’t seem to pinpoint what it is. If you've been here before, you know I've been dealing with epilepsy for years. It is scary and it seems, at least to me, to be changing. Perhaps it’s the darkness before the light in the discovery and end of my battle. Perhaps it’s something else I have yet to identify. Right now, I’m scared but optimistic.

This past week it has been unbelievably difficult to get my thoughts in order. The more time that passes the more blurry my thoughts and memories become. When I try to put it into words the proper structure eludes me. I’m somewhat convinced I’m going to die. We’re all going to die but I keep getting this feeling it will be soon. This isn't new so don’t worry. I had this feeling all the time back when the epilepsy was new.  In the past years I got over it but something changed this week. I remembered something. I remembered just a hint of something that should probably be comforting but more than anything keeps me from wanting to close my eyes at night.

Friday I felt strange but wasn't sure why. I felt shitty and nauseous.  I got on the train and headed downtown to see my boyfriend as we had planned.  I was only one stop from his apartment but had to get out of the train. I felt disoriented and panicked. I was hyperventilating but trying to pull myself together in order to take the train one last stop. I’m not sure how long this went on but my best guess is something like twenty minutes.  When I finally did make it that last stop I got out of the train and made it out to the street where I was able to make a phone call. Luckily my boyfriend answered so I asked him to come find me. Another fifteen minutes or so passed where I sobbed and shook crouched next to a building at the subway entrance. I was too afraid to walk anywhere. When he showed up I calmed down pretty quickly. That’s all I remember.

Saturday I went to rehearsal and then home because I didn't feel good again. Overall it was uneventful.  

Sunday I spent the whole day in the fetal position with the worst cramps I have ever had in my life. Now, let’s rewind for a moment. I shouldn't be getting cramps. Over a month ago I discovered my epilepsy might be related to my menstrual cycle. Catamenial epilepsy is actually very common and after documentation of my seizures and discussions with my doctors we changed my birth control so that I would no longer have a cycle and never go off hormones. Clearly this didn't work.  All day Sunday I was in pain. I knew something was wrong. Then the bleeding started.

Monday morning at 2am I remember sitting up in my bed. I remember my arm going up and I had no control over it so I knew a seizure was coming. I remember thinking that I was falling forward towards the foot of my bed. I was afraid I would throw myself off because I have an outlet with various plugs right there. One of which is broken. I was afraid to get my face caught in it while seizing. I remember I could feel that I was still on something soft so I knew I didn't leave the bed. The fear was still there. I remember pain. The feeling of electrocution all over. Then the sound that is similar to speakers blowing out in your ears. This is all normal.  This is all terrifying every time but I remember it every time.

This time I remember something new.

I…. I really don’t know how to describe this at all and I’m not fully convinced I should try. Basically the new element to add to what is already a terrifying event is that someone talks to me. In the moment it’s familiar and comforting. I am completely without doubt. This time I remember it a little bit but frankly the details are so foggy I’m not sure what is true. I knew I was alone in my apartment and when the voice came through the buzzing to comfort me and let me know I was safe and not alone I actually remember thinking “How do I forget about this every time?” I know I always say to myself “It’s okay, you’re okay, just pass out.” This is different though. This is a full conversation I had with someone I feel intense trust towards. I can’t tell you word for word what was said but I have glimpses of memory and feeling.

It’s a masculine voice. If it’s myself I’m talking to, I feel intense love for myself. I trust it. I consider them to be much wiser than me. I immediately recognize them and know it’s familiar. I think they are only there to comfort me but they take the opportunity to talk with me.  I think I might finally be going completely insane.  I remember being told something was going to happen that day near me but not too me and everything was going to be okay. I didn't need to worry. I like being with them. 

So there is my admission. I have no idea what it means. I don’t consider myself a religious person. I understand that when people go through traumatic experiences you start to hear or believe things. I don’t know what any of this is but I’m not going to forget it. Take it for what you will.

Six Years of this Crap!

I missed my six year Blogiversary.

FUCK.

All this nonsensical rambling started taking shape here on 2/16/07. Since then we have discussed (I have written to myself) a huge array of issues most of which concerned me and my ridiculous life.  That being the case, I figure I will take this very special Blogiversary post as an opportunity to update the Blogworld of my life happenings.

I started this blog at the elderly age of 23. I am now 29 and getting closer every minute to my OH GOD I’M THIRTY mental breakdown. It will happen. It will happen because I go into minor mental panic every year regarding where my life is and what I’m doing with it.  Mental breakdown Milestone is what is coming this June. Huzzah!

I started this blog newly single. Then I got back together with the guy (remember Casey?) within a few months. Last summer he got married and very soon he and his wife will be having a baby boy. Clearly a lot has happened in that time. Now I am dating my hot Italian lover who is weirdly private about his identity and we are already coming up on our one year mark. Holy shit, how did that happen so fast?

Exactly one month after starting the blog I developed epilepsy. Things have been fine for the most part. I haven’t had a seizure since, well, Wednesday, but usually it’s not very frequent. I remember less when it does happen which gives me slightly less trauma aftershock. That means I sob less and don’t stay up all night screaming at the ceiling anymore.

I started the blog when I was still in the evil advertising industry. I moved around quite a bit and now find myself stuck in the very slightly less evil real estate industry. Whatever, a paycheck is a paycheck damnit.

I moved to New York in October of 2001.  I went to school for performing arts crap. When I started this blog, I wasn’t doing anything in that field anymore. Nothing at all. Now, I’m in a cover band that PAYS me to sing! Now that I think about it, I've done various gigs all over the city. I am a member of an excellent theater company that is constantly producing impressive work. I should probably be proud of the fact that they even let me in! Outside of the company I just assistant directed a VDAY Production of The Vagina Monologues. It was definitely a worthwhile experience.

Looking over all that has changed, I feel pretty damn good!  February in general is a shitty month for me. I usually get terribly bad depression. I can tell this by reading my own blog.  This year, I seem to be doing alright.  It’s all okay. Just keep struggling along and do whatever you can to stay happy.  At least, that’s my advice for now. I also have a continuous feeling of doom and self-implosion caused by my lifetime belief that where there is happiness, suffering and pain are sure to follow.  Stay tuned! 

"Missed Opportunities"

Going through old photos and belongings while you're feeling a little down on yourself is pretty much a horrible idea. Somehow, every time I start trying to clean out a drawer or something it turns into a huge project that ends up pulling out old memories and things that never came to fruition. It's a painful process. I should learn to just toss everything into a fire so it can't haunt me ever again.

That being said, I did go through all my old business cards and found some "missed opportunities" that seem particularly amusing almost a decade later.

I have some very vague memories of how I received the three modeling cards from scouts in Manhattan. I don't think I ever pursued them at all. I must have assumed they weren't legit at the time. Maybe they weren't. I had a bad experience with what seemed to be a scheme in my hometown so I've always been cautious about scouts in general.

The blue card is my favorite. That moment I remember well. I was on tour in L.A. and we had only been there long enough for me to check into my hotel and walk to a fast food place for lunch. Some guy followed me back to my hotel room and walked right in my door. Granted, I left the door open because it was the middle of the day and my cast mates were in the pool right outside. The guy said he thought I would be perfect for his "company" and that he hoped I would get in contact with him. Then he handed me this waterproof (sex juice proof) card with a phone and pager number on it. I'm just glad he didn't kill me.

Talking to Myself

I'm sitting here in the dark, as often people do, thinking about everything I'm doing wrong. I'm not living up to , well, anything to be honest. I don't think it's the whole New Year resolution shit because I've had this feeling growing for awhile. It has been slowly creeping in on me and causing that wild range of emotions that finally hits total depression and then feeds on it for awhile. It's familiar.

I ended up here to write in an attempt to release some of the pressure from my mind. I suppose, I'm feeling very alone right now. I'm surrounded by people but nobody I can talk to. Perhaps I could talk to them. Yes, that's probably true. I suppose I do have people in my life that I could reach out to just to talk things through but I can't do that. Everyone has their load to bare, their life to live, and this is the time of year when things always seem to fall apart for everyone. I want to be a supporter, not a victim.

It's more than that though. I don't reach out because I'm aware I don't really want life advice or pity. I just want to be able to vocalize my worries without judgment or suggestions of what I should be doing to change things. I realize that is selfish. That is what a therapist is for. I should be paying someone for that. Well, I can't afford that luxury. I will just have to talk to myself for now.

I have decided to post this because it occurred to me that perhaps other people have felt this way as well. If that's true, you aren't alone.

Should Isn't Enough

We should have the right to bear arms.

We should have the right to protect ourselves from dangerous mentally ill people.

We should, as a society, make the effort to understand mental illness and help those in need.

We should have stricter laws regarding requirements for purchasing combat weapons and licenses.

We should not force teachers to keep weapons in a school for so many obvious reasons I can't believe I even had to type that.

We should force teachers to consider special counseling for students who have a difficult time socially.

We should make an effort to learn from our history and take steps to avoid repeating it.


I want to be able to defend myself against a serial killer coming after me but I don't see why I need an assault weapon for that. I don't see why any average citizen needs access to assault weapons. Adam Lanza's mother owned five different weapons she could have used to protect herself but that didn't stop her from getting shot in the face. What she really needed was help in treating her son. Clearly we are doing something wrong here as a society.

That's all I'm going to say on the subject and this is the only place I will be saying it.